The Whitness

Why? Because I just spent $97 on skin care products. If you know me this may seem out of character. It is – I hate all forms of lotion. This isn’t a post to explain how great a product is, it’s a post to tell you P.T. Barnum was wright – “there’s a sucker born every minute,” in this case me.

I would have been happier if I didn’t even have to go to the mall today, but I just got into Atlanta after visiting my sister in Texas. She gave me a pair of jeans from the Gap for an early Christmas present. I got to ATL and went to put them on only to find they had left the security sensor on the clothes. I called the Atlanta Gap and they sounded like they’d take the sensor off even though I didn’t have a receipt, and they did – thanks Gap.

I was on my way out of the mall and a woman from one of the little island stores in the middle of the mall got my attention. I know – rule one is say “no thanks” and keep walking. I don’t know what caused this lapse in judgment, but it occurred. I paused and she pounced.

Her island store was, you guessed it, skin care products. I’m pretty much done with my Christmas shopping, so I didn’t even need anything for my sister or my mother. Within 60 seconds she 1) told me I was good looking, 2) found out I don’t have a girlfriend (and am not gay), 3) told me she could tell I work out, 4) asked how old I was and acted surprised when I told her. Uh oh, she now has a lot of information to work with. Within another 60 seconds she was holding my hand, dumping some crystals into it, and massaging it. I’m in trouble. If the roles were reversed and a guy was trying to say these things to a woman, it would be the cheesiest thing ever. But they weren’t, and the world is very different when those roles aren’t reversed.

She wasn’t even that cute.  She was undoubtedly flirting with me, and she had an Eastern European accent, but she wasn’t even that cute. It didn’t matter. She raves about the crystals and the minerals and how they’re from Japan and they’re great for your skin and muscles and blood flow.  Then she breaks out a tub of what looks like lotion. A-ha! I can honestly tell her I have always hated lotion. Maybe she’ll make me buy the crystals, but I am NOT buying lotion. But this isn’t lotion she tells me; it’s body butter. Lotions have oils, blah blah blah. I standing firm with my “no lotion” stance, and I’m feeling pretty good about myself.

She changes gears and goes to a face-care product – asks if I ever use any. Nope, no I don’t, never – no room for a sale here.  She then tells me she can tell my ancestors are from Europe because I have patches of red on my face and that’s rosacea – a problem that Europeans often have. Let me tell you I know she is so full of shit with this line of logic. #1 I don’t have rosacea.  I don’t even have any patches of red on my face beyond what’s normal since it’s cold outside, #2 that’s not how you can tell my ancestors are European, it’s my CAUCASIAN-ness. But it’s Christmas, and in the Christmas spirit what good would it do to call her out on her BS? The Christmas spirit is at least half of why I stopped in the first place. I’ll just let her keep talking.

So she had told me the price of the crystals and the price of the butter – about $40 each. But she wants me to take care of my face. That’s what’s important to her, so if I buy the face crap (that I only have to use once a week, and which is a full year’s supply) for $89, she’ll give me the other two things for free.  For FREE!!

Thank you, but NO no. I KNOW I won’t use it. I’m too lazy. I’m sure I won’t use it, and I see right through your pricing shenanigans.  You say $80, I say $40 and you say $89.  All for crap I don’t want!?! That’s not how it works lady!  I’ll buy the crystals and try to give them to someone for Christmas, but I don’t even have anyone to give them to.

I’ll spare you the rest of the details – I got played. I got owned, or pwned, or whatever new term I’m not up to speed on.   I spent the $97 (after tax) and now I have three containers of CRAP that I am NEVER going to use!! On top of that, my hands feel all lotiony and they fucking stink. I hate perfumy smells, and this crap won’t wash off!!!!!

Yes, this is embarrassing. I tell you, the internet, only so that you may learn from my mistakes. However, to make myself feel better, I can’t look at this as just a stupid purchase decision wherein I lost $97 and came out with stinky slimy hands. No, I always try to look at the bright side, and to me that $97 bought me the following:

• An expensive reminder to NEVER stop walking when solicited by… well really anyone offering anything. Just keep walking dude.  I think this lesson should hold for around 5 years. When you look at it as just under $20 per year, that’s still a terrible deal but maybe slightly less terrible.
• An expensive reminder why I don’t like strip clubs. I definitely like seeing women in various degrees of undress. Still I think there are a number of reasons why I don’t like strip clubs, any one of which should be good enough to keep me away. The one at play here is the fear that under the right circumstances I could leave a strip club having lost everything I own. Safer to just not go in there at all – just say no.
• A motivation to come up with a better exit strategy should I find myself in this situation again (suggestions welcome).
• Finally, hopefully, fantastic looking skin (which must come from the one application I received at the mall, because really I’m never going to use this stuff).

The only saving grace is that Googled the stuff and at least it does seem like I got a great deal!

So please, the next time you see me – be sure to comment on the smooth and supple texture of my handshake and the radiant glow of my cheeks. Please?